Tag Archives: communication

Slash speak in D/s

Slash speak has become important for some online BDSM relationships. It’s a matter of protocol.

slash speak one_cleanedSlash speak is all about capitalizing pronouns and titles relating to dominants/tops and using lower case for submissives/bottoms. It’s one ritual way that power exchange and respect can be shown in written form.

The slash comes in when both a dominant and a submissive are mentioned together.  An example might be (from an email from one Domme/sub couple to another):

“W/we had a great time on the weekend.  O/our play time was wonderful. Thank Y/you for sharing your space with U/us. W/we would love to play with Y/you again.”

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This is something that is usually negotiated between a Dominant and His or Her submissive.

A submissive might use lowercase for all pronouns and even their name. Their Dom or Domme would do the same for them.

A Dominant is likely to use all upper case: I, Me, She… and capitalize their name as well, when referring to themselves. The submissive would be expected to do the same for their Dominant.

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Image4_cleanedSo, if you know me online in any capacity you will know that I don’t usually do slash speak, except on very specific occasions when I am reinforcing my dominance in a very specific way. Having said that, I don’t mind if you do.  I just think that it can easily be seen whether or not you respect someone by how you talk to them. Polite, respectful, careful speech is the mark of a good submissive, and also of a good Dominant. How a Dom or Domme wishes to be addressed should be a private matter in a D/s relationship. I certainly don’t agree that all submissives should use capitalization with any Dominant.

Firstly, I think there is an implication that Dominants are always superior to submissives. I … don’t agree. I’m superior to my submissives only in the sense that they choose to give themselves over to me. I am not better than them in any sense other than the power exchange that we have chosen, and the skills that I have that are useful to their lives are in many ways equivalent to the skills that they use to serve me – they’re just different.

Secondly, slash speak is just annoyingly difficult to write and to read.

If it helps you to refer to me with capitalizing pronouns, if it helps you hold me in higher regard, then go right ahead. You will find that regardless of how you address me, I will own you in the manner that I please, and will make your submission to me very plain when it is my need to do so.

So tell me: do you use slash speak? In what ways is it important to you in your relationship with your Dominant or your submissive?

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Foot/Shoe Fetish: Coming Out to a Partner

If you want to confess to a loved one that you have a foot fetish, you want to ease into the revelation.

You don’t need to get technical … at least not at first. Describing your love of feet as a “fetish” or a “paraphilia” can make it seem more strange than it needs to be. Discussing it with your partner/partners sometime between your first date and a serious commitment is best. This way, if your partner reacts negatively, you can decide whether you really want to be in a relationship that doesn’t allow you to express your fetish.

Try making it about her feet, rather than about feet in general. Saying something like “Wow you have gorgeous feet!” and asking if she would like to have a foot massage is most appropriate at first. If that goes fine, move on to touching your partner’s feet during foreplay – seeing how he/she reacts is a good gauge to see what they like and don’t like. If touching seems to evoke a positive reaction, try massaging, both inside and outside sexual contexts.

Stay away from things like licking and sucking at first – these sensations can be intense. Once you do try them with a partner, even if your fetish is for dirty or stinky feet, it can be a good idea to do it first in a context of clean feet – in a bathtub or hot tub, after a shower or after bathing her feet. Many people feel that their feet are a little disgusting from being in shoes or on the ground, and while that might appeal to you, it might be a turn-off for them. If you love dirty or stinky feet, take a while to ease into enjoying them in their natural filthy state.

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Of course – if you have a very dominant or kinky partner, you may be able to take things a lot faster than described above.

If your partner asks questions about your love of feet or shoes, be gentle in your explanation, but be truthful. Make sure your partner knows that you love and desire her, and not just her feet or shoes.  React appropriately to your partner’s feelings. It is most likely that your partner will want more information or need some time to process what you have told them. If your partner is hesitant or negative, then it might be an idea to stay away from her feet the next time you are intimate and ask permission the next time you touch her feet. Let her feel in control of the experience.

However, if your partner is overwhelmingly negative about your fetish, it might be time for you to decide whether this is the relationship for you. However, if you’ve just come out about your fetish to a long term partner who you want to stay with, you might want to ask her if you can explore the boundaries of what is acceptable to her. A partner who is grossed out by the thought of touching her feet to your genitals might be just fine with regular foot massages before sex as part of foreplay. It might also be appropriate for you to see a sex therapist as a couple so that you can have some help in finding middle ground on something that is a very important part of your sexual makeup.

A similar approach can be taken if you have a shoe fetish.

Feel free to give me a call to discuss your fetish and how you are thinking of introducing it to a new or current partner. Sometimes talking it out can be very useful.

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