I get a lot of calls from people who want to tell a fantasy to a partner, but they are scared to do so.
It’s a valid concern. Once you’ve told your partner what you are into sexually, you can’t take it back. If it causes problems in your relationship, if your partner is squicked-out by your revelation, it’s almost impossible to back down.
There are some covert ways of checking out your partner’s reaction to your fetish. This one works particularly well if she has absolutely no idea what you are into.
First – you need to have some idea about what your fetish means to you. Many fetishes and fantasies have lots of layers. You may fantasize about what you really want to do, or you may want the fantasy to only stay in your head, and maybe to play with the idea verbally during sex. You might want something in between – like the guy who wants his wife to fuck him with a strap-on and tell him to imagine that it’s a real cock. Or maybe she just wants him to finger himself, or for her to finger his arse while they do other sex talk and play.
Your reasons behind your fetish can be important too. In the above example, the fantasy might be about dominance or bisexuality, or just how great anal sex feels especially for guys (yes, I have prostate envy). It’s important to know, because once you open up about your fantasy, your partner will probably have questions. Feel free to give me a call to talk about your fantasies and what they might mean to you in practical terms.
One way of introducing an idea to your partner is to pretend to have a dream about it. If you’re spending a lot of time fantasizing, chances are you don’t even pretend to have a dream. Wait until a time when your partner is in a fairly relaxed mood – in the morning can be good, because that’s when it’s most logical to talk about a dream. Mention you just had the weirdest hot dream. If they don’t ask you about the dream, now may not be the time to introduce it. You can always wait until another time and say “Hey, remember that dream I had? I can’t stop thinking about it, and I’d love to share it with you and see what you think.”
When your partner is ready, share the most basic simple form of your fantasy that you can. If you’re dreaming of deep throating your partners stiletto heels, maybe start with a dream you had of kissing and licking her toes through her peep-toes first. Try and tell it as neutrally as you can while you wait for your partner’s reaction.
Your partner’s reaction determines what you will do next.
The great thing about the Fantasy Dream is that if your partner reacts extremely negatively, to the point that you think you will never be able to introduce this idea in even its basic idea to your relationship, then you can simply say “Yeah, I wonder what movie my mind got that from! That’s so fucked up!” Then you can go and have a think about what impact this will have on you and your relationship if you can’t play this out within your relationship.
If your partner reacts only slightly negatively, there’s still some hope that you might be able to introduce the topic in the future. Keep in mind that just talking about sex is something that most people find terribly difficult. Your partner may not be reacting to your revelation, but to their own discomfort with talking about anything sexual.
Then, of course, there is the chance that your partner will react positively. If you’re very lucky, they will initiate incorporating some of it into your sex life.
If you want to discuss any of this with me, feel free to call me any time that I am available: