Tag Archives: therapy

Am I a masochist?

Dear Miss Annalise, I really like it when my boyfriend pinches my nipples, bites me or spanks me during sex. I come so hard when he does that, in a way I don’t when we just have “normal” sex. One of my friends called me a masochist because I like it, and she made is sound like a bad thing.  Am I a masochist?

Uncertain

 

Hi Uncertain,,

Thanks for the great question! The criteria  I would use to evaluate whether or not you are a masochist would be based in whether or not you needed pain to become sexually aroused or do you just enjoy pain while you are aroused?

Pain releases endorphins into your system. That will intensify orgasms, which is why you are having better orgasms when pain is added.

I don’t tend to believe anything is good or bad in sexual expression. It’s more a question of weighing the consequences of your behavior. Does the stress release, better orgasms and potential intimacy building with your partner outweigh the negatives of bruises/scratches/welts, emotional distress and potential social stigma? Only you can decide.

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The intersection between therapy and play

I got a message from an interested reader, “G”, this morning:

“I guess i’m most interested in the intersection between therapy and play. Can pleasure and traditional phone sex be therapeutic?”

My background is in sex therapy, and I’ve only been doing phone sex for a few months, so this is a question I’ve been exploring quite intensely in recent times.

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I am Australian but living in the US. I don’t need to have a license to practic sex therapy in many states, but I do like to have the professional credibility that a license gave me when I practiced in Australia. So I went back to school here in the US, and was looking around for some work to do while I was studying. I woke up one night remembering that a few years ago an Australian girlfriend of mine introduced me to NiteFlirt. It didn’t work for me then, but I had an epiphany – I could be a phone sex therapist!!!!

I immediately discovered an intersection between sex therapy and phone sex. I find that many of my callers want to talk about their issue or concern, or their relationship, or their fetish or other sexual behavior – often it’s a combination of all of those things. When I used to work purely as a sex therapist, that’s where it would end – at talking. Which is how it should be – I only mention it here because I don’t want to give the impression that a sex therapist goes off getting all horny with their clients, as that would be a gross ethical violation. However, as a phone sex therapist, I’m not bound by those constraints – it’s expected that my work will be a mix of flirting, horniness and helpfulness.

A lot of my calls begin with a caller telling me all about his issue or fantasy or fetish. This is pretty normal for phone sex, but I do think that because I’m a therapist quite a lot of callers go deeper into their history and their particular sexual thrills – particularly if they become long term callers, and especially if they have an issue they want to work through.

Sometimes that’s where the call ends. I do have callers who just do therapy with me. However more callers are happy to be excited talking about their sexual stuff, and at some point of the call we’ll move into constructing a fantasy about the stuff they are telling me.

This can also be very therapeutic. Imagine a man who has dreamed of performing a particular sexual act – maybe he’s fantasized about sucking cock. Yet he feels guilty and confused about it. In the first place, I can help him explore his history around fantasies about sucking cock, and even actual experiences. I can normalize it – plenty of guys have these fantasies, no it doesn’t have a particular meaning about you and your identity (you could be gay or bi, or you could just enjoy fantasizing about sucking cock), and you might only want to explore it in certain contexts (such as with your wife or girlfriend present). Then we can move into a fantasy where we are in my therapy office and in the fantasy I perch on the desk in my heels and stocking and oh-so-professional short suit skirt, and I tell him I want to explore these fantasies in real life. I bring in one of my male friends who I know has a gorgeous cock, and in the fantasy I tell the caller to suck it. We get to explore his reactions to that fantasy together; especially what part of the scenario makes him cum.

Of course once he has an orgasm, the call is usually done. Not many people want to do therapy right after an orgasm, lol. However, I do note how the call went and what I observed about his reactions, and the next time he calls we have some more stuff to talk about, exploring why he reacted that way and how certain things turned him on more and others not so much.

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Then there’s the “swing” style of using therapy and play alternately. I have a variety of listings, but you can see this style most clearly in my FinancialDomination listing. I have a lot of guys come to me desperate to find a way to NOT give up their findomme addiction, and yet to keep it to a manageable level. I enjoy being the kittie-cat to their mousie, alternately letting the mouse run, thinking it is free, and then grabbing it back with my claws and teaching it Who is Mistress. I can use play to satisfy the overwhelming needs of his addiction, and use the authority as Therapist and Mistress to start redirecting the addiction in ways that serve more than harm the man and his life. Depending on which listing the caller calls me on, my role can vary vastly. As one caller said in his feedback “I still don’t know if she wants to help me or manipulate me, and that is highly arousing to me.”

I asked one of my wee mousies to comment on this as I was writing this entry. To G’s question he said “I felt Miss Annalise understood the depth of my addiction by getting down to the lowest levels of the hold the monster had on me. I felt she was not judging me, and that she even got sexually excited along with me. I felt she could untangle my various forms of sexual addiction, and focused in on the one that threatened my marriage, career and social standing so that it had to be countered entirely, whereas the others could be brought to something I play with as long as I am within the limits that we set together for it…. You monitored me…Through play you and Mistress Celeste* keep looking for play that is exciting and explores other avenues of pleasure, other outlets for my masochism. So that is a strong alternative to the habits of my past.”

🙂

As a phone sex therapist I reach a lot of therapy clients who I might not reach otherwise. I get to work unconventionally with people for whom more conventional treatments might not work.

Above all, I get a lot of play, some very satisfying sex, and get to help people as well. Who can ask more than that of their life? 🙂

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[* Mistress Celeste (LadyMirth on NiteFlirt) is a mistress who I sometimes work closely with to help a caller meet their needs from different sources.]

Finding a Sex-Positive Sex Therapist!

Why would I need a “real life” therapist? Aren’t you good enough?

There are many reasons I refer clients to sex therapists off of NF, and many remain my clients while having a real life sex therapist.

I’m most likely to refer a client who wants to work with a sex therapist with their partner on an issue, or simply on working on improving their relationship. Far more people go to sex therapists to improve things that are already good, as opposed to fixing problems. A lot of clients come to me to work on their problems or identify what exactly they are wanting to improve or achieve from their sex life, then go to work with an outside sex therapist with their partner.

The other category of client I am likely to refer is the client who has serious sexual compulsion issues that center around them calling NF. I can be a good transition for such a client – they can move from making sex calls on NF to making therapy or phone sex calls with me, and then gradually wean away from phone sex (if that’s what they want) using an outside therapist.

I also refer clients out who are having specific sexual issues such as erectile dysfunction which may be related to physical issues that need to be explored by a medical professional such as a urologist or a primary health care physician. Today I am talking about finding a therapist, but a lot of this will apply to finding a sex-positive professional of any kind.

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Sex positive? What does that mean?

A person who is sex positive will be comfortable with their own sexuality and the sexuality of others, even if that person’s sexuality and sexual expression is different to their own.  This is especially important for sex therapists.

A regular therapist has probably received little or no training in sexuality. They may not have had to face their own prejudices about sex or to face how hard it can be to talk about sex comfortably. Even marriage counselors may have had no training in talking about sex. A good therapist will be comfortable talking about sex.

A good sex therapist has received special training that helps them to be comfortable with all sorts of different sexual expression – from bdsm to fetishes, from vanilla to kinky, gay or straight or anything in between. The best sex therapist for you is one who is accepting of your particular sexual expression, and who either knows a little (or a lot) about it and is willing to learn about what it means to you in your sex life.

Okay, so now that I know what I am looking for, how do I find the right therapist?

A good place to start is the American Society for Sex Educators, Researchers and Therapists: http://aasect.org/. They have a list of therapists, and you may be able to find one in your area. If you don’t find one immediately, check out what other sex positive organizations or health professionals they list closest to you. Call that person and ask them if they can recommend a sex positive therapist in your area.

Also look up people who already work with sex and sexuality in your area. Gynaecology or Urology clinics, a professor in gender studies or sexuality at a local university, local std clinics etc. Again, you don’t need to tell them your issue if you don’t want, just that you are looking for a therapist who is okay with talking about all sorts of different sexual matters.

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I’ve found a therapist. Now what?

You need to find out if the therapist is sex positive in the direction you need from therapy. Therapists are people too. We hold the same sets of prejudices as other people before our training and still hold some of them after.

Marty Klein, a prominent sex therapist and author, has some suggestions for questions you might want to ask your therapist before starting work with them:

  • What are your sexual values?
  • How do you define healthy sexuality?
  • Are you comfortable talking about kinky sex?
  • Do you think monogamous, heterosexual, genitally oriented sex is ultimately better than other consensual arrangements?

I think it’s also okay to ask a therapist outright if they are comfortable talking about your particular form of sexual expression. Recently a client of mine asked a therapist all of the above questions and thought she sounded a little uncomfortable. He then asked if she would be okay talking to a client about cuckolding. A few more questions revealed that the therapist was comfortable talking about dealing with a relationship in which his partner was cheating on him, but not entirely comfortable with talking about a consensual cuckolding relationship. However, she was still sex positive enough to refer the client on to someone who was able to work with him.

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Call me if you are having trouble finding a therapist in your area. I’m very good at finding them, I enjoy meeting new therapists for a little chat on the phone. I won’t be telling them anything about you without your permission (that’s your job) but I can interview them to see how they feel about working with sexual stuff similar to yours.