I’d like to know of a way to tell my wife.
Sincerely, Max.
Hi Max,
Thank you for your question.
The first thing I want to let you know is that your fantasies are both normal and common. A lot of guys (and girls) have them, but because they are considered taboo, you probably won’t find out who amongst your friends is fantasizing about this stuff.
And even though you didn’t ask, I’m going to digress into a bit about forced fantasies for other readers who might not be familiar with this fantasy. Also, I think it’s somewhat important that you start to understand your own motivations, so you can answer any questions that your wife might ask.
Fantasies about being forced can be about a number of things. You might have some clue about what it is about for you. Here are some of the reasons that forced fantasies appeal to other people:
- It relieves you of responsibility or choice. You might have conflicting feelings about sexual experiences with men. This is very common if you’ve been raised in a community or family where some people see being bi or gay as unacceptable. It can be a great way of having what you want without being open with yourself or others about wanting it. There’s nothing wrong with that, it can be a fun way of easing into something and trying it out, and then dealing with any internal conflict.
- The fantasy of being forced is really exciting. There’s all the power exchange and control and helplessness… all that is a lot of fun to either fantasize about or actually do.
- Sometimes the powerlessness of forced fantasies can be about being pushed more deeply into roles that you see as more submissive. For some guys who cross dress, it can feel even more feminine to feel weak and helpless.
- The fantasy of being forced into something taboo is really exciting. It may not even mean that you are gay or bi, but for some people it means the opposite – that being forced into something they would absolutely not do is fun. If this is you, then setting boundaries of safety around what you would not want to do is even more important. However I don’t think this one applies to you, Max, does it?
- The imagination is omnisexual – heterosexuals often fantasize about homoerotic encounters and vice versa.
- For some guys it’s part of a larger fantasy of seeing their woman with other men, and to have that man showing his dominance over you (and therefore his ownership of your woman) by making you perform sexual acts with him.
- For you, Max – it could be about seeking validation from your wife for your kinky or submissive tendencies.
The possible motivations are endless. Maybe some of my readers can share some more in the comments.
So – on to the communication part.
I would work on some communication about the cross-dressing first.
While your wife knows about your cross-dressing, it sounds like you haven’t had a lot of communication about it. Have you ever talked about what it means to you? Do you ever incorporate it into your sex life together in any capacity?
It’s easy to make assumptions in communication. Your wife has seen you dressed, and you had some sort of conversation about it that led you to believe she was okay about it, but didn’t want to see it. Which makes me suspect that you haven’t talked to her about it in a long while, and that you don’t incorporate it into your bedroom fun right now.
I’d need to know a lot more about your bedroom fun. Do you include any kink right now? Do you and your wife talk easily about your fantasies when you are getting horny together? What about when you are not in a sexual head-space – can you talk about sex then? If your answer to a lot of the questions is no, don’t be ashamed. Most of us don’t get any education in talking about sex. We get our sexual information from all sorts of sources, and how we feel about sex is colored by many experiences and prejudices of others. And then on top of that, there are all the experiences and prejudices that have influenced sex communication for your wife.
Sometimes it can be easier to get a therapist to help communication. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with your marriage or with what either of you want from sex, it just means that it’s hard to talk about sometimes, and a therapist can help with that.
However you decide to talk to her, choosing a time when you are both relaxed is great. Just tell her in a natural relaxed way that you’ve been fantasizing about some things that are hot and sexy to you, and that while you don’t want to actually do them, you’d like to talk dirty about them while you two are fooling around. Tell her whatever details she wants to know right then, and then give her some time. This is the perfect opportunity to discuss your cross-dressing as well. Are you perfectly happy dressing on your own, or did you hope to have her approve of it? Are you just guessing about how she feels about it, or has she told you?
One way of feeling out how your wife is to try
This is something that we can definitely discuss over the phone. Feel free to call me anytime I am on, or email me if I am offline and I will let you know when I can come online for you.