Category Archives: Sex Therapy

Tools for Telling – The Fantasy Dream

I get a lot of calls from people who want to tell a fantasy to a partner, but they are scared to do so.

It’s a valid concern. Once you’ve told your partner what you are into sexually, you can’t take it back. If it causes problems in your relationship, if your partner is squicked-out by your revelation, it’s almost impossible to back down.

There are some covert ways of checking out your partner’s reaction to your fetish. This one works particularly well if she has absolutely no idea what you are into.

First – you need to have some idea about what your fetish means to you. Many fetishes and fantasies have lots of layers. You may fantasize about what you really want to do, or you may want the fantasy to only stay in your head, and maybe to play with the idea verbally during sex. You might want something in between – like the guy who wants his wife to fuck him with a strap-on and tell him to imagine that it’s a real cock. Or maybe she just wants him to finger himself, or for her to finger his arse while they do other sex talk and play.

Your reasons behind your fetish can be important too. In the above example, the fantasy might be about dominance or bisexuality, or just how great anal sex feels especially for guys (yes, I have prostate envy). It’s important to know, because once you open up about your fantasy, your partner will probably have questions. Feel free to give me a call to talk about your fantasies and what they might mean to you in practical terms.

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The Dream

One way of introducing an idea to your partner is to pretend to have a dream about it. If you’re spending a lot of time fantasizing, chances are you don’t even pretend to have a dream. Wait until a time when your partner is in a fairly relaxed mood – in the morning can be good, because that’s when it’s most logical to talk about a dream. Mention you just had the weirdest hot dream. If they don’t ask you about the dream, now may not be the time to introduce it. You can always wait until another time and say “Hey, remember that dream I had? I can’t stop thinking about it, and I’d love to share it with you and see what you think.”

When your partner is ready, share the most basic simple form of your fantasy that you can. If you’re dreaming of deep throating your partners stiletto heels, maybe start with a dream you had of kissing and licking her toes through her peep-toes first. Try and tell it as neutrally as you can while you wait for your partner’s reaction.

Your partner’s reaction determines what you will do next.

The great thing about the Fantasy Dream is that if your partner reacts extremely negatively, to the point that you think you will never be able to introduce this idea in even its basic idea to your relationship, then you can simply say “Yeah, I wonder what movie my mind got that from! That’s so fucked up!” Then you can go and have a think about what impact this will have on you and your relationship if you can’t play this out within your relationship.

If your partner reacts only slightly negatively, there’s still some hope that you might be able to introduce the topic in the future. Keep in mind that just talking about sex is something that most people find terribly difficult. Your partner may not be reacting to your revelation, but to their own discomfort with talking about anything sexual.

Then, of course, there is the chance that your partner will react positively. If you’re very lucky, they will initiate incorporating some of it into your sex life.

If you want to discuss any of this with me, feel free to call me any time that I am available:

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“Monogamish”

My friend said she was “monogamish” with her boyfriend. What does that mean?

monogamish_cleanedCoined by Dan Savage (sex writer extraordinaire!) this term is used to describe a relationship where both parties are primarily monogamous, but are free to engage in sexual relationships with other people, as long as their partner gives informed consent. Informed consent includes drug, mental health  and STI information about the potential new sexual partner.

This kind of relationship gives both partners the leeway to explore sexual desires that they know their partner can’t fulfill or isn’t interested in. It also teaches them to communicate their desire more explicitly, specifically and consistently.

Venturing outside the relationship sexually requires trust in the relationship. Neither party is having sex with outside people without the informed consent of their partner, so the necessity for talking about risk factors, both physical and emotional, is a requirement for this arrangement.

Jealousy can also be an issue. But implicit, and sometime explicit in the agreement made, is the idea that if this outside sexual arrangement is disrupting the relationship, then the outside sexual arrangement ends.

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The intersection between therapy and play

I got a message from an interested reader, “G”, this morning:

“I guess i’m most interested in the intersection between therapy and play. Can pleasure and traditional phone sex be therapeutic?”

My background is in sex therapy, and I’ve only been doing phone sex for a few months, so this is a question I’ve been exploring quite intensely in recent times.

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I am Australian but living in the US. I don’t need to have a license to practic sex therapy in many states, but I do like to have the professional credibility that a license gave me when I practiced in Australia. So I went back to school here in the US, and was looking around for some work to do while I was studying. I woke up one night remembering that a few years ago an Australian girlfriend of mine introduced me to NiteFlirt. It didn’t work for me then, but I had an epiphany – I could be a phone sex therapist!!!!

I immediately discovered an intersection between sex therapy and phone sex. I find that many of my callers want to talk about their issue or concern, or their relationship, or their fetish or other sexual behavior – often it’s a combination of all of those things. When I used to work purely as a sex therapist, that’s where it would end – at talking. Which is how it should be – I only mention it here because I don’t want to give the impression that a sex therapist goes off getting all horny with their clients, as that would be a gross ethical violation. However, as a phone sex therapist, I’m not bound by those constraints – it’s expected that my work will be a mix of flirting, horniness and helpfulness.

A lot of my calls begin with a caller telling me all about his issue or fantasy or fetish. This is pretty normal for phone sex, but I do think that because I’m a therapist quite a lot of callers go deeper into their history and their particular sexual thrills – particularly if they become long term callers, and especially if they have an issue they want to work through.

Sometimes that’s where the call ends. I do have callers who just do therapy with me. However more callers are happy to be excited talking about their sexual stuff, and at some point of the call we’ll move into constructing a fantasy about the stuff they are telling me.

This can also be very therapeutic. Imagine a man who has dreamed of performing a particular sexual act – maybe he’s fantasized about sucking cock. Yet he feels guilty and confused about it. In the first place, I can help him explore his history around fantasies about sucking cock, and even actual experiences. I can normalize it – plenty of guys have these fantasies, no it doesn’t have a particular meaning about you and your identity (you could be gay or bi, or you could just enjoy fantasizing about sucking cock), and you might only want to explore it in certain contexts (such as with your wife or girlfriend present). Then we can move into a fantasy where we are in my therapy office and in the fantasy I perch on the desk in my heels and stocking and oh-so-professional short suit skirt, and I tell him I want to explore these fantasies in real life. I bring in one of my male friends who I know has a gorgeous cock, and in the fantasy I tell the caller to suck it. We get to explore his reactions to that fantasy together; especially what part of the scenario makes him cum.

Of course once he has an orgasm, the call is usually done. Not many people want to do therapy right after an orgasm, lol. However, I do note how the call went and what I observed about his reactions, and the next time he calls we have some more stuff to talk about, exploring why he reacted that way and how certain things turned him on more and others not so much.

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Then there’s the “swing” style of using therapy and play alternately. I have a variety of listings, but you can see this style most clearly in my FinancialDomination listing. I have a lot of guys come to me desperate to find a way to NOT give up their findomme addiction, and yet to keep it to a manageable level. I enjoy being the kittie-cat to their mousie, alternately letting the mouse run, thinking it is free, and then grabbing it back with my claws and teaching it Who is Mistress. I can use play to satisfy the overwhelming needs of his addiction, and use the authority as Therapist and Mistress to start redirecting the addiction in ways that serve more than harm the man and his life. Depending on which listing the caller calls me on, my role can vary vastly. As one caller said in his feedback “I still don’t know if she wants to help me or manipulate me, and that is highly arousing to me.”

I asked one of my wee mousies to comment on this as I was writing this entry. To G’s question he said “I felt Miss Annalise understood the depth of my addiction by getting down to the lowest levels of the hold the monster had on me. I felt she was not judging me, and that she even got sexually excited along with me. I felt she could untangle my various forms of sexual addiction, and focused in on the one that threatened my marriage, career and social standing so that it had to be countered entirely, whereas the others could be brought to something I play with as long as I am within the limits that we set together for it…. You monitored me…Through play you and Mistress Celeste* keep looking for play that is exciting and explores other avenues of pleasure, other outlets for my masochism. So that is a strong alternative to the habits of my past.”

🙂

As a phone sex therapist I reach a lot of therapy clients who I might not reach otherwise. I get to work unconventionally with people for whom more conventional treatments might not work.

Above all, I get a lot of play, some very satisfying sex, and get to help people as well. Who can ask more than that of their life? 🙂

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[* Mistress Celeste (LadyMirth on NiteFlirt) is a mistress who I sometimes work closely with to help a caller meet their needs from different sources.]

Finding a Sex-Positive Sex Therapist!

Why would I need a “real life” therapist? Aren’t you good enough?

There are many reasons I refer clients to sex therapists off of NF, and many remain my clients while having a real life sex therapist.

I’m most likely to refer a client who wants to work with a sex therapist with their partner on an issue, or simply on working on improving their relationship. Far more people go to sex therapists to improve things that are already good, as opposed to fixing problems. A lot of clients come to me to work on their problems or identify what exactly they are wanting to improve or achieve from their sex life, then go to work with an outside sex therapist with their partner.

The other category of client I am likely to refer is the client who has serious sexual compulsion issues that center around them calling NF. I can be a good transition for such a client – they can move from making sex calls on NF to making therapy or phone sex calls with me, and then gradually wean away from phone sex (if that’s what they want) using an outside therapist.

I also refer clients out who are having specific sexual issues such as erectile dysfunction which may be related to physical issues that need to be explored by a medical professional such as a urologist or a primary health care physician. Today I am talking about finding a therapist, but a lot of this will apply to finding a sex-positive professional of any kind.

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Sex positive? What does that mean?

A person who is sex positive will be comfortable with their own sexuality and the sexuality of others, even if that person’s sexuality and sexual expression is different to their own.  This is especially important for sex therapists.

A regular therapist has probably received little or no training in sexuality. They may not have had to face their own prejudices about sex or to face how hard it can be to talk about sex comfortably. Even marriage counselors may have had no training in talking about sex. A good therapist will be comfortable talking about sex.

A good sex therapist has received special training that helps them to be comfortable with all sorts of different sexual expression – from bdsm to fetishes, from vanilla to kinky, gay or straight or anything in between. The best sex therapist for you is one who is accepting of your particular sexual expression, and who either knows a little (or a lot) about it and is willing to learn about what it means to you in your sex life.

Okay, so now that I know what I am looking for, how do I find the right therapist?

A good place to start is the American Society for Sex Educators, Researchers and Therapists: http://aasect.org/. They have a list of therapists, and you may be able to find one in your area. If you don’t find one immediately, check out what other sex positive organizations or health professionals they list closest to you. Call that person and ask them if they can recommend a sex positive therapist in your area.

Also look up people who already work with sex and sexuality in your area. Gynaecology or Urology clinics, a professor in gender studies or sexuality at a local university, local std clinics etc. Again, you don’t need to tell them your issue if you don’t want, just that you are looking for a therapist who is okay with talking about all sorts of different sexual matters.

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I’ve found a therapist. Now what?

You need to find out if the therapist is sex positive in the direction you need from therapy. Therapists are people too. We hold the same sets of prejudices as other people before our training and still hold some of them after.

Marty Klein, a prominent sex therapist and author, has some suggestions for questions you might want to ask your therapist before starting work with them:

  • What are your sexual values?
  • How do you define healthy sexuality?
  • Are you comfortable talking about kinky sex?
  • Do you think monogamous, heterosexual, genitally oriented sex is ultimately better than other consensual arrangements?

I think it’s also okay to ask a therapist outright if they are comfortable talking about your particular form of sexual expression. Recently a client of mine asked a therapist all of the above questions and thought she sounded a little uncomfortable. He then asked if she would be okay talking to a client about cuckolding. A few more questions revealed that the therapist was comfortable talking about dealing with a relationship in which his partner was cheating on him, but not entirely comfortable with talking about a consensual cuckolding relationship. However, she was still sex positive enough to refer the client on to someone who was able to work with him.

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Call me if you are having trouble finding a therapist in your area. I’m very good at finding them, I enjoy meeting new therapists for a little chat on the phone. I won’t be telling them anything about you without your permission (that’s your job) but I can interview them to see how they feel about working with sexual stuff similar to yours.

Words for … “Masturbation”

This is one of the first exercises I did in my very first sexology class. Everyone had to list as many words as they could for masturbation, and other sexual terms. I’m doing an interactive series on all these words – seeing what new terms I can find out that I didn’t know before, and revisiting old favorites.

Here’s my first five MASTURBATION words. Add five of your own and I will add them to the list.

  • Masturbation (duh)
  • Wanking
  • Stroking
  • Rubbing one out
  • Visiting Mrs Palmer and her five daughters

Porn Sex vs Real Sex – Explained with food.

I thought this was great fun. Although, I did wince a couple of times – you have been warned! 😛

I don’t agree with all the stats, but it’s still pretty good. I’d be interested to know the population from which they drew their averages. If you want to talk about the stats I know and the studies I draw them from, leave a comment, write me a message… or just call me!

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