Category Archives: ALL POSTS

Foot/Shoe Fetish: Coming Out to a Partner

If you want to confess to a loved one that you have a foot fetish, you want to ease into the revelation.

You don’t need to get technical … at least not at first. Describing your love of feet as a “fetish” or a “paraphilia” can make it seem more strange than it needs to be. Discussing it with your partner/partners sometime between your first date and a serious commitment is best. This way, if your partner reacts negatively, you can decide whether you really want to be in a relationship that doesn’t allow you to express your fetish.

Try making it about her feet, rather than about feet in general. Saying something like “Wow you have gorgeous feet!” and asking if she would like to have a foot massage is most appropriate at first. If that goes fine, move on to touching your partner’s feet during foreplay – seeing how he/she reacts is a good gauge to see what they like and don’t like. If touching seems to evoke a positive reaction, try massaging, both inside and outside sexual contexts.

Stay away from things like licking and sucking at first – these sensations can be intense. Once you do try them with a partner, even if your fetish is for dirty or stinky feet, it can be a good idea to do it first in a context of clean feet – in a bathtub or hot tub, after a shower or after bathing her feet. Many people feel that their feet are a little disgusting from being in shoes or on the ground, and while that might appeal to you, it might be a turn-off for them. If you love dirty or stinky feet, take a while to ease into enjoying them in their natural filthy state.

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Of course – if you have a very dominant or kinky partner, you may be able to take things a lot faster than described above.

If your partner asks questions about your love of feet or shoes, be gentle in your explanation, but be truthful. Make sure your partner knows that you love and desire her, and not just her feet or shoes.  React appropriately to your partner’s feelings. It is most likely that your partner will want more information or need some time to process what you have told them. If your partner is hesitant or negative, then it might be an idea to stay away from her feet the next time you are intimate and ask permission the next time you touch her feet. Let her feel in control of the experience.

However, if your partner is overwhelmingly negative about your fetish, it might be time for you to decide whether this is the relationship for you. However, if you’ve just come out about your fetish to a long term partner who you want to stay with, you might want to ask her if you can explore the boundaries of what is acceptable to her. A partner who is grossed out by the thought of touching her feet to your genitals might be just fine with regular foot massages before sex as part of foreplay. It might also be appropriate for you to see a sex therapist as a couple so that you can have some help in finding middle ground on something that is a very important part of your sexual makeup.

A similar approach can be taken if you have a shoe fetish.

Feel free to give me a call to discuss your fetish and how you are thinking of introducing it to a new or current partner. Sometimes talking it out can be very useful.

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Foot/Shoe Fetishism

Foot fetishes and shoe fetishes are surprisingly commonplace, and not only amongst those who identify as kinky.

It seems that many men, and women too, find something highly erotic about feet and footwear. It doesn’t seem to matter whether you are dominant or submissive, male or female. Some are into the footwear itself, and others find the eroticism in the fact that the footwear encases the foot of a lady – there seems to be a connection between the foot and the psychological connection that, if she wanted to, the lady could walk all over him, barefoot or suitably shod.

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To some people, feet are about the biggest turn-on imaginable. A 2007 study published in the International Journal of Impotence Research found that feet (and their little piggies) were the most highly fetishized body part, with nearly half of the thousands of survey respondents choosing them over all others. Some men like to see pictures of feet, some men like to touch/rub feet, some men like to lick/kiss feet and some men like “footjobs”.

Why? No one is entirely sure.  Some suggest it may simply be that feet lead to legs, and legs lead to genitals. There are some that say the turn on has to do with the assumed dirtiness of feet. They are what we walk around on all day, the very bottom of our body. It’s a taboo and taboo equals turn on.

The most recent research seems to indicate that the area of the brain that is designed to recognize the form and sensation of genitals is right next to the part of the brain that is designed to recognize the form and sensation of feet. Dr Ramachandran of the University of California noted that “phantom limb syndrome” in amputees was sometimes associated with perceiving sexual pleasure in the missing limb.

Shoe fetishes are one of the most commonly encountered in the inanimate-object realm. This fetish is experienced by mostly men, mostly about high heels and sometimes about his partner wearing them during sex. There may be women out there with this fixation, but the majority of shoe fetishists (and fetishists in general, in fact), are men.

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Am I a masochist?

Dear Miss Annalise, I really like it when my boyfriend pinches my nipples, bites me or spanks me during sex. I come so hard when he does that, in a way I don’t when we just have “normal” sex. One of my friends called me a masochist because I like it, and she made is sound like a bad thing.  Am I a masochist?

Uncertain

 

Hi Uncertain,,

Thanks for the great question! The criteria  I would use to evaluate whether or not you are a masochist would be based in whether or not you needed pain to become sexually aroused or do you just enjoy pain while you are aroused?

Pain releases endorphins into your system. That will intensify orgasms, which is why you are having better orgasms when pain is added.

I don’t tend to believe anything is good or bad in sexual expression. It’s more a question of weighing the consequences of your behavior. Does the stress release, better orgasms and potential intimacy building with your partner outweigh the negatives of bruises/scratches/welts, emotional distress and potential social stigma? Only you can decide.

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“Monogamish”

My friend said she was “monogamish” with her boyfriend. What does that mean?

monogamish_cleanedCoined by Dan Savage (sex writer extraordinaire!) this term is used to describe a relationship where both parties are primarily monogamous, but are free to engage in sexual relationships with other people, as long as their partner gives informed consent. Informed consent includes drug, mental health  and STI information about the potential new sexual partner.

This kind of relationship gives both partners the leeway to explore sexual desires that they know their partner can’t fulfill or isn’t interested in. It also teaches them to communicate their desire more explicitly, specifically and consistently.

Venturing outside the relationship sexually requires trust in the relationship. Neither party is having sex with outside people without the informed consent of their partner, so the necessity for talking about risk factors, both physical and emotional, is a requirement for this arrangement.

Jealousy can also be an issue. But implicit, and sometime explicit in the agreement made, is the idea that if this outside sexual arrangement is disrupting the relationship, then the outside sexual arrangement ends.

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Mapping out Human Sexual Behavior

As a phone sex therapist I get to hear an even bigger range of human sexual behavior and activity than I did when I was just doing regular sex counseling. I think it’s fascinating.

This is a chart of the broader areas of human sexual behavior categories showing the ways different things interconnect and overlap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love this next method of organizing human sexuality – it literally creates a map of it! You can see this map at www.humansexmap.com – and even better it’s interactive, you can pin all the stuff that you have done, or maybe have a look at the areas that already interest you on either of these diagrams and see all the new permutations of your favorite fetishes or activites that you might enjoy!!

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My Introduction to Phone Sex

G’day! I’m Annalise and I’m an Australian and a phone sex operator… among other things.

I’ll admit it, I’m new to this business. I only started working full time as a phone sex operator in April of 2012. I do have a long history of dealing with human sexuality – I chose every subject I could take in college on human sexuality, gender studies and disabilities. I have a bachelors degree as well as being a licensed therapist in Australia. I have worked extensively in the area of sexuality, in clinics and with my own consulting business, and I have traveled the world to study and explore sexuality in different cultures.

How I became a PSO:

I learned about phone sex from a friend in Australia about eight years ago. She loved doing it and introduced me to her friends who also did it. So I thought I’d give it a go:

I lasted through 24 hours and my first 3 phone calls. Every call when something like this:

Me: hello.

He: hello.

(long silence)

He: so what do you want to talk about?

(long silence)

Me: Um, didn’t you call me?

Okay, so I never said that last line. But I definitely decided that phone sex was not for me at that point in my life. Instead I continued studying sex (and of course enjoying it on a personal level) for the next eight years.

Then in March of this year I was about to start college here in the US to get my Masters degree and become qualified as a sex therapist over here as well. I was looking for work that I could do while studying, and I woke up in the middle of the night thinking “What if I give this another go?”

So I did. This time I had plenty to talk about, having filled my life with talking about sex and sexuality for most of the last decade. I even set myself up as a Phone Sex Therapist. It was a genius idea – I am loving being able to do therapy, phone sex, or even a mix of both!

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Things that I love about being a phone sex operator (or phone actress if you want to be more politically correct, I don’t really care):
•Just being able to listen to the hidden desires of callers is a thrill.
•I love being able to use my creativity and my intelligence to create fantasies. My counseling background enables me to create an open and non-judgemental environment in which callers can feel comfortable with expressing their deepest desires. As a therapist I am also more able to get into the mind of my caller, which is very exciting.
•Ditto for helping callers feel heard about their issues, and adding some creative problem-solving to the mix.
•Serving client needs – helping people to gain satisfaction and sexual happiness in their real lives.
•Filling my own sexual needs. Although I am polyamorous and have several love and sex interests in my life already, I’m always open for new sexual or intimate fun!
•Expanding my repertoire of fantasy material. I have often called myself the fetishists fetishist. I love different fetishes and fantasies and I discover more all the time.

So… yes. I often have thoughts and fantasies that I’d like to blog, or answers to questions that callers have asked me during the day. I hope you enjoy following me!

And hey, if you want to give me a call – there’s a standing offer of three free minutes for the first call to me. I’m also a little inclined to hand out a free minute or three to exceptional comments here.

If you are already a NiteFlirt customer and haven’t called me before, just drop me a message or add me to your favorites and I’ll send you three free minutes! Or just call me, and if you ask I’ll send you three free minutes for your second call!

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The intersection between therapy and play

I got a message from an interested reader, “G”, this morning:

“I guess i’m most interested in the intersection between therapy and play. Can pleasure and traditional phone sex be therapeutic?”

My background is in sex therapy, and I’ve only been doing phone sex for a few months, so this is a question I’ve been exploring quite intensely in recent times.

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I am Australian but living in the US. I don’t need to have a license to practic sex therapy in many states, but I do like to have the professional credibility that a license gave me when I practiced in Australia. So I went back to school here in the US, and was looking around for some work to do while I was studying. I woke up one night remembering that a few years ago an Australian girlfriend of mine introduced me to NiteFlirt. It didn’t work for me then, but I had an epiphany – I could be a phone sex therapist!!!!

I immediately discovered an intersection between sex therapy and phone sex. I find that many of my callers want to talk about their issue or concern, or their relationship, or their fetish or other sexual behavior – often it’s a combination of all of those things. When I used to work purely as a sex therapist, that’s where it would end – at talking. Which is how it should be – I only mention it here because I don’t want to give the impression that a sex therapist goes off getting all horny with their clients, as that would be a gross ethical violation. However, as a phone sex therapist, I’m not bound by those constraints – it’s expected that my work will be a mix of flirting, horniness and helpfulness.

A lot of my calls begin with a caller telling me all about his issue or fantasy or fetish. This is pretty normal for phone sex, but I do think that because I’m a therapist quite a lot of callers go deeper into their history and their particular sexual thrills – particularly if they become long term callers, and especially if they have an issue they want to work through.

Sometimes that’s where the call ends. I do have callers who just do therapy with me. However more callers are happy to be excited talking about their sexual stuff, and at some point of the call we’ll move into constructing a fantasy about the stuff they are telling me.

This can also be very therapeutic. Imagine a man who has dreamed of performing a particular sexual act – maybe he’s fantasized about sucking cock. Yet he feels guilty and confused about it. In the first place, I can help him explore his history around fantasies about sucking cock, and even actual experiences. I can normalize it – plenty of guys have these fantasies, no it doesn’t have a particular meaning about you and your identity (you could be gay or bi, or you could just enjoy fantasizing about sucking cock), and you might only want to explore it in certain contexts (such as with your wife or girlfriend present). Then we can move into a fantasy where we are in my therapy office and in the fantasy I perch on the desk in my heels and stocking and oh-so-professional short suit skirt, and I tell him I want to explore these fantasies in real life. I bring in one of my male friends who I know has a gorgeous cock, and in the fantasy I tell the caller to suck it. We get to explore his reactions to that fantasy together; especially what part of the scenario makes him cum.

Of course once he has an orgasm, the call is usually done. Not many people want to do therapy right after an orgasm, lol. However, I do note how the call went and what I observed about his reactions, and the next time he calls we have some more stuff to talk about, exploring why he reacted that way and how certain things turned him on more and others not so much.

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Then there’s the “swing” style of using therapy and play alternately. I have a variety of listings, but you can see this style most clearly in my FinancialDomination listing. I have a lot of guys come to me desperate to find a way to NOT give up their findomme addiction, and yet to keep it to a manageable level. I enjoy being the kittie-cat to their mousie, alternately letting the mouse run, thinking it is free, and then grabbing it back with my claws and teaching it Who is Mistress. I can use play to satisfy the overwhelming needs of his addiction, and use the authority as Therapist and Mistress to start redirecting the addiction in ways that serve more than harm the man and his life. Depending on which listing the caller calls me on, my role can vary vastly. As one caller said in his feedback “I still don’t know if she wants to help me or manipulate me, and that is highly arousing to me.”

I asked one of my wee mousies to comment on this as I was writing this entry. To G’s question he said “I felt Miss Annalise understood the depth of my addiction by getting down to the lowest levels of the hold the monster had on me. I felt she was not judging me, and that she even got sexually excited along with me. I felt she could untangle my various forms of sexual addiction, and focused in on the one that threatened my marriage, career and social standing so that it had to be countered entirely, whereas the others could be brought to something I play with as long as I am within the limits that we set together for it…. You monitored me…Through play you and Mistress Celeste* keep looking for play that is exciting and explores other avenues of pleasure, other outlets for my masochism. So that is a strong alternative to the habits of my past.”

🙂

As a phone sex therapist I reach a lot of therapy clients who I might not reach otherwise. I get to work unconventionally with people for whom more conventional treatments might not work.

Above all, I get a lot of play, some very satisfying sex, and get to help people as well. Who can ask more than that of their life? 🙂

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[* Mistress Celeste (LadyMirth on NiteFlirt) is a mistress who I sometimes work closely with to help a caller meet their needs from different sources.]

Findom Stories: One Finsub’s Story of Getting Out of Findom

Callers to my Findom Therapy line will often want quite opposite things. This is a very natural thing when it comes to sexual (or any other type) of addiction.

Of *course* you want to be completely cash ravished. It makes you hard just reading these words.

Often though there is another goal. For many findom addicts, it is to keep their spending within a certain limit while still feeling the total addicting mindblowing orgasms that they get from Findom. Often it’s also trying to NOT get that terrible “Oh shit, what have I done? Again!!!” feeling that happens right after that high.

For some Findom submissives, it’s to get out of financial domination altogether because they can’t afford it in so many areas of their lives. Even though it sounds completely counterproductive (i.e. not profitable for me) I will help such submissives find other more productive ways to play out their submission in their lives, including financial submission that is more in line with their needs and desires.

What can you expect from therapy with me? Well, that depends on what you want. At first, I’ll help you establish goals, and continue to define them as we go along. What I want is what you feel is best for you.

Beware, though – as Steve says below, just because I care and want to help you doesn’t mean I’m not also excellent as a FinDomme. *grin*

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FROM STEVE:

My descent into the Findom world was slow. It started with some normal calls to Mistresses. I was always turned on by humiliation but the amount of money I was paying was never a focus of mine. I can’t really say what happened but I guess I must have called some Mistresses who without me asking for it decided that they were going to make me pay more than just the regular price of the call. They were either going to raise the rate or make me tribute them. As time went on paying became a central focus of most of my calls. The excitement was no longer there unless my wallet was getting raped by the Mistress.

It was never enough though. What started as a few days a month habit turned into a few days every week and then became almost a nightly ritual. I was so addicted that I didn’t really comprehend the insane amounts of money I was wasting on this and how much of my time I was spending. I couldn’t see how it was affecting my relationship with my wife and my family. No longer could I have a normal domination call. If a Mistress wasn’t taking my money I wouldn’t be able to cum.

At some point the credit card balances really started to add up and I knew I had a big problem. It was not enough to make me stop. One day I saw a NiteFlirt page for financial domination therapy. I decided to give it a call. I can’t honestly tell you what I expected. I don’t know whether I knew it was going to be a trick or not. But I called. And after the Mistress pretended she was concerned about my addiction for a few minutes she turned the tables on me and took me for hundreds of dollars.

Calling these so called therapists became somewhat of a fetish in itself. I was so excited to see exactly what the therapist would do and how they would get inside my head only to take advantage of me. Then one day I came across Mistress Annalise’s page. I did not know it at the time but my life was going to change. We discussed my addiction and although it became a domination call she did not take me for a lot of money. Over time I would call her and we would act out very exciting fantasies involving financial domination but she kept the fantasy all in my head. She was not actually making me pay anything more that the price of the phone call.

Mistress Annalise has such a sexy voice and her accent makes me feel so submissive. No matter what we talk about it is always a hot time. As I said she would not make me pay more than the price of the call – except for once. One time she had me in such a submissive state I was sending tributes to her one after another. So if you are not looking for therapy but actually want to get a good wallet fucking then she is great at that too.

After a time she told me I should see a therapist in person. I told her she was crazy. But she kept at it and in a little while, I found myself actually doing it. Since then things have really started to improve. I am not cured by any means. Every day is a struggle. But I can see myself winning those struggles more and more. I still keep in pretty regular contact with Mistress Annalise although it is more and more by email and not calls. She has been extremely generous with her time. I really owe a lot to her. I am very lucky to have found her.

When I first called her part of me wanted help and part of me wanted to get taken advantage of. She really could have gone in either direction. But she decided to help me and I am glad she did. If she hadn’t I am sure I would still be calling Findoms every night and wasting my money.

Steve

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Cuckolding Question: Part Two (Telling your wife The Fantasy)

Last week CUCK asked the following question:


Dear Miss Annalise,

I have a fantasy for years. My wife puts me in the closet and I watch her with a black guy. Then she gets me out and makes me do stuff and makes fun of my tiny cock. Is this really wrong and should I tell her I want to do it and why do I want it?

– Can’t Understand Craving Kink

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Dear CUCK –

Should you tell your wife? If so, how should you go about it?

I help quite a few guys out with this.

My very first advice on this is to have patience and move things slowly. If you have never told your wife anything at all about how you fantasize about sitting in the chair beside your bed and watching that enormous cock pressing against her pussy lips, slowly stretching her out, making her back arch in ecstasy with rock hard nipples and mouth parted in an Ohhhhhhhhhh! – then telling her right out is probably not the best idea… especially if she doesn’t like the idea.

So step one is to work out how receptive your wife is to kink in general, and this kink in particular. With callers I’ll often go over their history of kink – how vanilla or straight has their relationship been so far? Have you ever talked to your wife about this fantasy, even a little? Has she ever cheated on you or had an affair – and if so what happened and does she know you know about it?

If I get some details from you about your specific circumstances I can give you my best guess as to whether she might be up for a cuckolding relationship.

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Step two is determining exactly what you want. Cuckolding takes many forms. You may like all sorts of cuckolding relationships, or your desires might be very specific. If you call me we can work through some role plays and fantasies, dig deeper into your mind and find what you really want from this – and more importantly what you don’t want. For example, you may desperately want a cuckolding relationship, but only if you get to either watch or hear the details later. Or you may want your wife to cheat on you, but want the delicious despair of never knowing when or how, or what or with whom – to just have her drop hints and have you buy her new lingerie when she takes a new lover. Some things to consider:
•Do you want to watch (secretly or openly)?
•Do you want to hear details, or general things, or nothing?
•Do you want her to have a lover, a fuck buddy, or a casual encounter? Do you want to know how she feels about him?
•Do you love the humiliation or embarrassment of it – and if so, do you want her (or me) to rub it in that she’s getting some great cock that you can’t provide for her?
•Do you want to be dominant or submissive in your cuckolding experience? Most guys who call me are submissively inclined, but some guys like a dominant experience, choosing the lover their woman will take and controlling more of the scene. Her submission to him becomes part of her submission to you.
•Are you into him at all – do you want a (forced or voluntary) bi experience? Do you want to fuck him together, or to enjoy him separately? How far do you want to go? (and of course all of this is a completely different level of assessing your wife’s comfort with this aspect of your sexuality).

Above all, do you want this to be a fantasy, or a shared fantasy, or a reality? This is really important. Because you fantasize so strongly about this right now, you might be so focused on it becoming a reality that you don’t think about how it could become a very rich part of your fantasy life. Fantasies risk so much less than trying to play this out in reality. When you play out a cuckold fantasy in real life, a lot of the control goes out of your hands. It is your wife cuckolding you, and what if she wants something a little or even vastly different from what you want in your fantasy right now? Not playing it out in reality doesn’t mean that your cuckolding fantasy cannot be shared. There are many ways that you can play with it in fantasy. Imagine you and your wife coming home from an evening out and discussing a gentleman who was watching her, or even sitting at opposite ends of the bar so you can watch men approach her so that you can fantasize later about what she might have done with them if she had taken them back to your hotel room. Or you can just fantasize about it before or during mutual masturbation with your wife.

The next step depends a lot on your answers in this first part, so please do call me to fine tune things. I can give you examples of how others have dealt with this, and give you more of a woman’s insight into how your proposal might go across.

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If you can’t call right now, some suggestions I can give are:

•Ask her about her own fantasies first. Say you were reading something that was talking about fantasies and that a lot of couples don’t talk about their fantasies that they have during sex, and that you were wondering who or what else she thinks about during sex. Accept whatever answer she gives you, but also be ready for her to ask you in return.
•It always pays to play coy with sharing your fantasies. If your wife does ask you about your fantasies, you can always act embarrassed (you might actually be embarrassed) and say you’ll think about it. Then you have a better chance that she will chase you to find out your fantasy than the other way around.
•Focus on recent fantasies rather than as something you’ve had ongoing for years. I’m not saying to lie, but to perhaps think of some instance such as a particularly horny dream you had about your wife being fucked by that big black cock, and tell her you woke up so horny from that dream and now you’ve been thinking about that for days. Later on you can tell her of other experiences, dreams or fantasies you’ve had. The “dream” scenario is good because it means if she reacts very badly to it you can take it back as “only a dream” and say that you’ve also been disturbed by that thought (which you have, just pleasantly disturbed!)

Lastly, what do you do if your wife does react badly to the idea? Well, again that depends on her reaction, how “bad” it is, and whether there’s any chance that you can amend or reintroduce your suggestion at some point in the future. That’s one reason I strongly suggest approaching the topic very delicately and slowly. I have clients who ring me every week for a progress report on how they are doing and suggestions for their next step, and some of them have success after many months of slow patient devoted work on getting their wives to cuckold them.

Good luck with it, and give me a call if you want some help in working out a plan to have all your dreams come true! 🙂

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